“The thing that impresses me most about America is the way parents obey their children.” – Edward, Duke of Windsor
Should America be worried about its children? If the answer is yes, then should it also be worried about its parents? Much is being made about the rise of social and emotional problems in our children and the fall of their academic and behavioral performance. Current books like Cooper and Keitel’s I Just Want My Kids to Be Happy analyze correlations between overindulgence and underachievement. A recent WSJ article “Why French Parents Are Superior” deals with Powerful Parisian Parents whose big-eyed stares and dominant tones keep their children seen and not heard. A preceding NYT piece “But Will It All Make ‘Tiger Mom’ Happy?” focused on Chinese mothers who demand stellar performance and whose wrath is incurred by offspring failing to meet their expectations. Do these publications create a disturbing comparison to our own current parenting style here in America? If “powerful” describes Parisian and “Tiger” coins Chinese, perhaps “Pushover” epitomizes today’s American parents.
It appears American parenting has become stuck on serendipity, i.e., the notion that our children should be happy at all times; and when they are not, it’s a problem of epic proportions. This transition from adult-centered to child-centered started about the same time parents began to focus on the psychology of self-esteem. Somehow happiness became synonymous with confidence and confused with contentment. According to Cooper and Keitel, contentment, not happiness, should be the goal in child rearing. While happiness is self-centered, splashy, and short-lived, its wiser cousin, contentment, is other-centered, understated, and long-term. Paralyzed by the fear of hurting their children’s self-esteem, parents often can’t say no and give in to many unnecessary wants. By doing so they deny their children painful experiences, necessary to the development of delayed gratification and resilience.
Some American parents are creating monsters they cannot control. Whether at home, play, school, college, and even worse, once their children have entered the workforce, some angst-ridden parents circle around their children trying to control and create a stress-free environment. In her recent NPR online article, “Helicopter Parents Hover in the Workplace,” Jennifer Ludden exposes parents who are now phoning their children’s bosses to sing praises or plead their cases.
In his book The Road Less Traveled Scott Peck states that pain is the mother of all growth. So, if there is a silver lining in this dark financial cloud hanging over our country, maybe it will be a return to common sense in parents who will grow backbones, learn to say no, and demand expectations of their children, thus enabling them to develop the strength and resilience necessary to compete globally.
Trying to achieve a constant state of nirvana for one’s children is like trying to fill a sieve…it’s counterproductive and has no holding power.
i am definitely one of those parents who wants their children to be in a continuous state of bliss. I understand the difference between contentment and happiness. I choose happiness as much as I can possibly provide happiness. My children are pretty darned spoiled I must admit. But they also know while i will bend over backwards to give them all that I can. I expect the same in return in my expectations. I expect them to pursue all their endeavors with the same vigor and enthusiasm. I understand this post but I think communication and mutual respect is key.
I can understand the desire to give your children all that you can provide for them and to want to create a “continuous state of bliss.” As loving parents we want to give all that we can to our children. I’ve been there and done that and now have grown children. In looking back, I would have done some things differently…I wouldn’t have “bent over backwards” to provide everything they want. In so doing the devil is in the details of what is being communicated to children. By preventing some struggle, parents deny children valuable opportunities to work through their pains and problems and to work for what they need to have or need to accomplish. Sometimes the message is even crippling…you can’t do this without me, without help, without some THING…crutches. Learning to do without (some things) enables a child to become self-reliant…to develop inner strength…and to delve deeper into him/herself where true strength, awareness, and success are realized. You can’t buy or give someone self-esteem…it has to be earned. If you would like to learn more about this line of parental thinking, please read these two books: The Price of Privilege and I Just Want My Kids To Be Happy.
Sadly this conversation only addresses the upper middle class parents, many of whom send their children to private schools, or well-apointed public schools becasue their region is more affluent. In the working class the additude that many children are spoiled, and have it too good.
The perception is that there is too much concern for the child’s self esteem at the expense of ethics and morality, which translates to what they perceive religion as imparting. I am not taking either position. My point is to highlight a dichotomy that exists in this country which this conversation does not seem to acknowledge.
There is a lot of parental frustration/resentment/depression because they cannot provide for their children at the basic level, which includes clothes, school supplies, groceries, and child care. Because parents work one or more jobs, and still find themselves short of funds before months’ end,notmatter whether it is a one or a two parent family.
Their kids are the ones that cannot find summer jobs; these are children trying to bring money in to help their parents keep a roof over their heads. These are children whose public schools are being decimated as charter schools suck the meager education funds away from urban school boards, where parents already are have to sent their children to school with toilet paper, hand sanitizer because the restrooms are in such dispair and the roof leaks or in trailers because there is no money.
Agree with you on your point that there is a dichotomy between overindulgence and meeting basic needs…both of which negatively impact a child’s esteem…at one level because they can…at the other because they can’t. While I completely agree with your point and, IMO, it’s a more important one and in greater need of being addressed, my blog deals with the parents who overindulge and, as a result, can prevent problems they themselves are creating. Thank you for your insight…worth pondering and thinking of addressing. That would require my having to become much better informed on “frustration/resentment/depression” of parental communities dealing with this. It is said that you should write what you know; and while my insights appear trivial in comparison to yours, they are what I know best. I seriously doubt that I could do justice to the other side of this topic…and prefer to leave that to a more qualified author.
Not to worry! Your platform has proved most excellent. Your comment by the smothering over-indulgent parent who is creating a human being that will be wholly incapable of handling life, much less make a competent, rational decision, sort laundry, or balance a checkbook is most illustrative of both of our points.
Shout it from the rooftops! Great wisdom here – and thanks to @beadbear for showing another facet of the issue.
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